My Blog hasn't gone to plan
Best Intentions
I have had a crap month so far. I finished up at a retail job after working there for two years. I made mistakes here and there, and ended up being the butt of a joke.
Some of these people I knew outside of work before starting. We were friendly. At the begining it was good. I felt helpful. The other girl was on leave a lot the first year, both sick leave for family and annual leave. I didn't take sick days and only took minimal annual leave during my time there.
Then I got hit by an ebike when I stepped out of a shop after a year and broke three ribs and cracked my head. It hurt like hell, but I didn't want to let anyone down. I worked the next day because it was a Saturday and the other girl always said she couldn't cover Saturdays. Another reason I didn't take annual leave. Anytime I wanted to, the boss would get mad as they would have to close the shop as the other girl couldn't cover.
By the Monday I was really sore, struggled to move, drive or breathe. They told me to take the week off which I was so grateful for as I wouldn't have taken that long off myself. I would have felt bad. A doctor I saw said that I was probably just bruised and sent me on my way. I saw my doc two months later as I was still extremely sore and I had a scan. Three broken ribs that were pushing on a nerve.
I still didn't take time off. I did my job, carried heavy boxes, worked but every day, never took sick days because I didn't want to let anyone down. The girl even said to me that I probably broke the ribs myself as I was pushing on my diaphgram to release it before the accident.
Then I made stupid mistakes here and there. Then I was blamed for things I didn't do, and if I defended myself, I wasn't owning up to my mistakes. Basically I was the worst retail assistant ever and they let me know it.
I kind of shut down. I used to smile a lot. I was always happy and bubbly but I lost that. They were snappy. Made comments behind my back or gestures. It's like they thought I was deaf or that I couldn't see there reflection in the glass. They would make sly comments and laugh amongst themselves, saying that it went over my head.
It never went over my head. I may be an airy fairy butterfly chaser, but I have extremely good hearing, I'm somewhat intelligent, and I understand more than people think. I am just stupid enough to stay silent. I always stay silent when people are jerks to me. I choose to ignore it and move on, thinking it takes more energy than it's worth to get upset by it. I'm thinking that's wrong. I will always stick up for my family and friends, I should probably stick up for myself too.
It wasn't all the time. Sometimes they were nice, but it didn't erase the eye rolls.
I stayed silent every time they were nasty. I bit my tongue. I even feel guilty writing this, but you know what... it's the truth so too fucking bad. They know they were jerks. I know I sucked at the job. It's done.
It's been 21 days since I left, and in that time, my father got admitted to hospital with fluid on the lung, only to have to stay with suspected lung cancer. My Uncle is in hospital. He lost a toe to gangrene after getting shingles and finding out he has diabetes. Now he's going to loose another toe. Then my neighbour rang me. They have a holiday house next door to us. Her husband died in a car crash. He was the loveliest man. I couldn't help but cry.
I don't like sharing other people's health issues and tragedies but no one will probably read this anyway, and I need to get it out. It's the reason I am being unproductive. The reason I feel lost and sad. I'm finding it hard to write fiction or anything because life feels a bit hollow at the moment.
So instead, I'm writing this, to you in the hopes that unburdening myself helps me write and create. Best intentions don't always get things done, but sometimes writing about your problems makes you feel just a little bit better. Thank you for listening.
